meaganiris

It's amazing the amount of stress that school put on us these days. High school tries to prepare us for college, and college tries to prepare us for the real world. When do we get to stop, look around, and enjoy the moment?

So yesterday at about 1:30, my mom caught me doing something that I shouldn't have been doing. I never thought that would happen, neither of us did...but it happened. And I've accepted it. That's not the problem. After she caught me, she kicked me out. She watched me pack my bags and walk out the door. I don't know what to make of that. I'm so completely lost. I had Matt come and pick me up with three bags, and he took me away. I don't ever want to go back. I'm so scared, I can't even begin to explain what's going on in my head right now. I slept at Matt's house last night, and I'm still there. I'm home alone, and I feel so helpless. I tried to call my mom last night, but she was out shopping at Target. Target! She just kicked her daughter out of her house and she wasn't even worried that she had no idea where I was. How can that be? I will never abandon my children this way, no matter what they do. They will always have a place to be, a person to talk to, and a way to get around what they have done wrong. But at the same time, I am happy that this happened. I was planning on moving out 60 days from now anyway, but I had no idea that it would happen like this, or that it would happen so soon. By this time tomorrow, I will probably be perfectly fine, and I will probably have all of this worked out in my mind. But until then, I need some support. Please talk to me, anyone, please tell me that it's going to be alright and that I have nothing to be afraid of. I really need you all right now just to keep me sane. I need help, and I'm not afraid to ask for it anymore.

The Secret #43:

The Universe wants to give you so much, if you could just let it in. To let it in, slow down. To let it in, relax. To let it in, unwind. To let it in, be calm. To let it in, let go. You are now letting it in.

Advice given, advice taken.

Nothing matters now but the happiness that I feel inside me at all times, the pride that I have in my own decisions, and the love that I have for the people that are closest to me. Nothing. And it never will again.

I am at the top of my climb, the appex of my orbit, the pinnacle of my happiness. I cannot describe to you the joy that I am feeling right now. Nothing means as much to me as what happened to me last night. I had an out of body experience like I have never had before. He is amazing. Even though I knew that it would be awesome, I never thought that it would be so amazing and so beautiful. He makes me feel alive, he makes me feel happy, he makes me smile, he makes me want to stay in bed all day and just dream about the next time I will be in his arms. He is my warrior, my protector. But I fight for him and protect him all the same. We compliment and balance each other. I am the crazy spontaneous kinky part of us, and he is the safe cautious thoughtful part. He keeps us safe and I keep us on the edge. And that made our first time last night so much better, it made us so much closer, it made me so much more receptive.



"It makes it so much different, so much better."
"What does?"
"When you have feelings for the other person. When you love eachother."
"That's the only way to go."



We took our lives into our own hands last night, and didn't let anyone dictate what we would feel for eachother or how we could and couldn't express what we were feeling. Everything has changed, and nothing has changed. I have felt this feeling for a long time, but now I can express it in the most intimate way.

Over a year and a half later, I still love you like it's only been 6 months. I'm still so crazy about you that it feels like we are still young lovers who can't get enough of eachother. I still want to be with you every waking moment, and I still miss you when you're gone. I still think about you when you're away, and I dream about you when I'm sleeping. I still know you better than I know myself, and I still love the way you make me feel. I still love your paranoia and your safeness. I still love your laugh and your smile. I still love your kiss and your touch. I still love the way you tickle me when I'm crying, just to see me smile. I still love the way you calm me down when I don't think that I can handle things anymore. I still love you more and more every day. I still can't believe that I have you and you have me. I still can't believe how lucky I am and how happy you have made me. 


The Secret of the day:

When we are feeling happy on the inside, law of attraction is matching up the inside of us, and bringing unlimited happiness to us. Law of attraction says, “Like attracts like”. We have to be the exact state on the inside of what we want to bring on the outside. You can’t complain and be miserable and expect your life to change. In that state you are attracting more misery to yourself. You have to be the ‘like’ that you want to attract.


So it didn't rain hard last night, it was a beautiful night. It was cloudy, but it was nice and warm. We were covered by trees so the light rain that did come down didn't hit us and no one could see us. The clearing that we found was perfect and the ground was soft and everything went just the way that I said that it would in my last blog.

The Secret. It's everything...if you can believe.

I love you Matthew John Breda. Happy Birthday.

I want this to happen, I really do, and I know that it is the right thing for me to do at this specific time in my life, but I can't help but get the feeling that everything is working against me. I know that that is stupid and that I am just making things more difficult for myself, because nothing is a coincidence. I freak out whenever I think that this might not happen, but at the same time it's sort of a sign that it's not meant to be. I don't really know what to do. If it doesn't work out today because of the weather, then I think that I will take that as a bad sign, because that's something that we don't have control over. I know that it is right that we do this, and I love him, and I can't imagine what my life the past year and a half would have been like without him. But this is just one more thing that we need to do in order to be closer to each other and it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Not that I think that it will NEVER happen, but I do sort of feel like we need to be careful about when we plan stuff like this. Friday didn't work out, but tonight will. It has to or I don't know if I will survive.

The Secret:
Think thoughts of perfection. Illness cannot exist in a body that has harmonious thoughts. Know there is only perfection, and as you observe perfection you must summon that to you. Imperfect thoughts are the cause of all humanity’s ills, including disease, poverty, and unhappiness. When we think negative thoughts we are cutting ourselves off from our rightful heritage. Declare and intend, “I think perfect thoughts. I see only perfection. I am perfection.”


And I am now going to apply the Secret to my current predicament. Everything is going to be fine. It is going to be beautiful outside tonight, we are going to play pool for exactly an hour, and then it will be dark by the time we get to our other destination, and we will have the tarp and a comforter and a blanket and we will feel so comfortable about being outside and being exposed, and we will connect with eachother for the first time and it will be romantic and happy and it will not hurt and nothing will go wrong and we will be undisturbed and he will be comfortable. It will be a beautiful night with clear skies and a warm soft breeze. Nothing can change what I feel. Everything is going to be wonderful and it is going to happen the way that I want it to. I am happy and I know that we will be okay.

I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't want to miss anything.

It's four a.m. I'm waking up
To your perfume, don't get up
I'll get through on my own
I wonder if I'm home or if I
Lost my way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
And I'm feeling half alive
But I know one day you and I
Will be free
To live and die by our own rules
Free
Despite the fact that men are fools
I'm almost a lie
And I need you to try
And save me
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight
Tonight

you learn...
with every goodbye...
you learn.

He wanted an abortion.
Now he wants custody, 3 years later.

I don't regret our "threesome"...but I hate how lonely it made me feel.

I promise myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
I promise myself to talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
I promise myself to make all my friends feel that there is something worhwhile in them.
I promise myself to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
I promise myself to think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
I promise myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
I promise myself to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
I promise myself to wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
I promise myself to give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticeze others.
I promise myself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
I promise myself to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the worlk, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
I promise myself to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

-Christian D. Larson

I am soooooo happy that we did the Requiem. I really hope that I did a great job...I think that I did, but you never know until you hear/see how it turned out after the fact.

The new quote for the day is...

Every single human being is meant to be in joy. It is our natural state, and we know it, because when we feel negative emotions we feel terrible. We want to be happy. And the biggest thing to realize is that happiness is a choice, because it is a feeling generated from the inside of us. We have to make a decision to be happy on the inside now, to magnetize a life of happiness on the outside.


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That was my blog from the beginning of this week sometime. But today is a good enough day. I have work tonight but it should be fun.

The new quote for the day is...

If you have 'needing money' in your vibration, then you will keep attracting 'needing money'. You have to find a way of being happy NOW, without the money. Once you feel good NOW, even though you don't have the money, it will come. Make a decision that you are going to do everything you can to be as happy as you can in every moment. You will be amazed at how the Universe will flood so many things into your life that will continue to make you happy-including money.


I think we all have a want for more money...we never seem to be able to get enough. But the secret really helps in that aspect of life as well as all the others. Money will come to you if you ask for it...but you have to believe. I have gotten 2 bonuses at work since I started asking for more money. This is my proof to myself that this really works. Not all things are set in stone. Make your own destiny out of the rubble that life seems to have become, and be happy now.

I believe in the life after death, but that doesn't mean that I won't enjoy the life that is in the here and now. You can't take away my pleasure, you can't take away my happiness. I can have whatever I want, no matter how big or how impossible.

All stress begins with one negative thought. One thought that went unchecked, and then more thoughts came and more, until stress manifested. The effect is stress, but the cause was negative thinking, and it all began with one little negative thought. No matter what you might have manifested, you can change it … with one small positive thought and then another.

So here is today's inspiration. I love this stuff because it is exactly what I need to hear today.

Whatever you choose for You is right! You cannot get it wrong. If you have chosen something for You, it is right! You cannot fail. It is impossible for you to fail, because how can you fail at being You? You are the perfection of You, because nobody else can be You. You have got You down pat! Do you appreciate that you are an outstanding and total success at being You, right where you are now?

I hope that you guys will want to learn The Secret someday soon, because I have found true happiness and prosperity and health using it. I am never sad and I am always grateful for what I have.

I have found a way to get the advice that I need right now. The right advice, not what I want to hear. So I am going to share this advice/inspirational thought with you everyday or every other day, because I think that you all might be able to use it too.

Today's inspiration...

To restore harmony into a relationship, focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints. When you focus on the wonderful things and you appreciate those, you will be astounded at how many more things to appreciate suddenly appear in the other person.

Hope that means something to you...because I certainly needed to hear it.

My spring break...well let's just say that I feel so good and I never want to let it go. I want so badly to be back with my real family, but at the same time I have accepted the fact that I have to be here. I feel so clean, like all the stress and sadness and burdens of my life have been washed from my system. They are like a purge for me, and emotional, mental, and spiritual purge. I'm happy and it's because of them. Well, it's because I have listened to what they have to tell me and the opinions that they have shared with me about my present situation. They love me unconditionally, and they can see me for who I really am and they know that I am not a horrible person/daughter/niece/human being. I have learned in the short time that I was there some of the life lessons that I should have learned a long time ago, but never got the chance to internalize. My aunt is my real mother, but she is also my best friend. She is there no matter what goes on in my life or what stupid decisions I make because I am still young. She introduced me to The Secret, and has shown me that there is a better way to live and a more efficient way to get what I want out of life than to stamp my fit and swim against the current. Sometimes this is necessary, but there are many better ways to attain my goals that won't hurt myself or others. I hope that I can pass on this knowledge to the people around me who I care about. And believe me it actually works, it has been proven and used for centuries. I've proven it to myself just by testing it's truth on the little things in life that I want to change, and now I am using it to incure change on the bigger things in my life.

I want to go to college out there, in Ohio. Baldwin-Wallace College...that's where I want to be. I want to be in a clean place with the people who love me, and I will get there. I know I will, because I believe.

I get my licence tomorrow morning. I'm excited. I've waited a long time for this, and I've worked really hard to make this happen. I have gotten myself to where I am, and I am proud of my accomplishments. Seminary will be fun now, because I will be able to listen to music on the way there and back.

i'm leaving, i gotta get out of this town. i gotta go to a clean place where no one can find me so that i can be myself and breathe again. i'm suffocated here and i feel like i'm doing the same things every day. i need to get away. new york and ohio, here i come.

i need to get away from you, michael. not that we have had a lot of contact, but the little bit that we've had is enough to make me feel like i can't be in this town anymore. i need to be somewhere that you can't find me. i need to feel safe from the emotions for a little while, so that i can cleanse myself of all of my insecurities and unhappy memories. whatever.

goodbye everyone. and maybe i won't come back...

it's a very good feeling when someone does or says something to you that hurts or upsets you...and then they apologize without you having to tell them that what they did hurt you. when they apologize to you without you saying anything to them about it, it just makes you feel more happy then before they hurt you. i don't know if i'm explaining this right, but i know what i'm talking about.

i'm sorry that i called. i'm sorry that i worry about you. i'm sorry that you don't understand what happened between us. i'm sorry that you aren't happy. i'm sorry that you may keep that ring on your finger forever...but one thing that i'm not sorry for, is that you may have to switch it back to your left hand someday. take that however you want to or don't take it a all, but understand that i need you to be okay for now.

no matter how far i go, my heart remains wih you.

Because I'm not hurt anymore. I'm not going to let this get to me. The good times that we had are in the past, but that doesn't mean anything about what will happen next. I can't be with someone who doesn't love themselves. And maybe I never told you that before, but I have always been that way. I can't be the person that holds you up, you have to be able to be okay without me...I need you to be okay without me. I need you to start having fun again and start loving what you do again. Be social. Don't turn into a spiteful person who takes no joy in life. It's not becoming of you, Michael. I know you better than to think that you will just give up on this.

No matter where you are, I'll always think of you. 

I know that you were worried about me the other day when I posted FUCK in big red letters...but it was just nothing. I was surprised that you were there and no one told me that you were coming, so I was just caught off guard. You didn't upset me or anything, I was just not prepared to see you. 

You didn't even look at me. You didn't even look like you knew that I was there. I know that that isn't true, but it would have been nice to get a smile or a nod or even a glance. But I got nothing.

I'm not obsessed anymore over what I don't have or what I may have given up...I'm happy with what I have and where I am. 


Anyway...

I had a huge scare last night. This is a good example of how much I love matt. He said that he wasn't going to come to my NHS induction because he had plans, but then dan leva told me that he was texting matt to tell him what time it was starting. He didn't end up coming, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. But then, when 9pm came and I hadn't heard from him (we talk on the phone from 9-10 every night) I got a little upset. He set an alarm on his phone so that he wouldn't forget to call me, but he still forgets sometimes. So I was getting pretty angry. I got fed up with waiting by the time that 9:40 rolled around so I called his cell, but he didn't answer. So I called his house and his mom said that he wasn't home. She asked if I saw him at the induction because that is where he said that he was going to be. I told her that he never showed up. That's when I started to get worried. I didn't know where he was and he wasn't answering his phone, and I, being the over-emotional woman that I am, freaked out and started crying hysterically. I managed to calm myself down and I called his mom back to tell her that I was a little worried and to have him call me when he got in contact with her. 5 seconds after we hung up, he called me and I started bawling and telling him that I was so worried. My thoughts during that whole hour that I didn't know where he was were that he was dead and in a ditch somewhere. Whatever...he's okay and alive. But I was a mess.

I love you all.

people change. situations change. the things and the people who make us who and what we are go away, come back, and change the type of influence they have on us.

The reasons like seasons,
They constantly change,
And the seasons of last year,
Like reasons that floated away.

everything changes in one way or another. for good, bad, or indifferent. to anger, to pain, to happiness, to sloth. today is a different day. tomorrow will be yet another sunrise. nothing has to be the same, and nothing ever will. people come and go. the love of yesterday will break your heart today and love another tomorrow. i'm obsessed with the idea of separating the past, present and future. i think that it's the only way to truly move on from something or look forward to something or enjoy something in the moment.

don't worry about the way you are now in comparison to who you used to be. the people who were there for you during the good times and the bad will be there now, when you aren't sure where to draw the line.

IF YOU DON'T DRAW THE LINE WHERE THE LINE SHOULD BE DRAWN, THEN THERE IS NOT LINE.

i understand more now than i ever have before. i'm stable mentally, emotionally, physically. things at my house are good, i'm getting along with and even talking to my mother, i'm still with matt and going strong, i've gotten rid of all the things in my life that were holding me to the past, and that's what makes me happy.

feelings like the ones that bind one person to another don't go away. that's the one thing that defies the change of the seasons. the feelings might change in intensity and direction, but they will never go away. such as the bond of mother and child.

i feel like for the first time, i can give people advice. i can use this to help them become confidant...to help them get to the place where i am. i don't want to be the only one who is happy content with themselves.

vinny, i think all you need is to remember why you are where you are. you used to be outspoken and protective of your beliefs. but that left you vulnerable to caring what other people thought of you. you are still opinionated and protective, you just do it in a more subtle way. you are more passionate. passion burns long and slow, heating a person from within. it may take a while before the passion is recognized by other people, but rest assured, that you in all your opinionated glory have not changed. you don't care what they think of you anymore, which makes it seem unnecessary to voice what you are thinking and feeling. seasons change, and along with them the reasons that we do what we do.

michael, i think that you are doing something amazing. you are in college, a music major. you are doing what you have wanted to do since i met you. i know that it hurts to be without someone...without me...but that doesn't mean that you don't have anything. you have your dreams, the ones that you are fullfilling every day by being where you are and focusing on what you are doing. you need to see that. our seasons have definitely changed, but not the reasons that we determined we would do things. 201 days. i'm waiting to hear that you are okay. please rest tonight, sleep well, knowing that no matter what, the feelings that bind us together won't change, can't change. we are going on the six flags field trip again this year...and all i could think about was you.

i love every person that is in my life. whether i'm bitchy yesterday, today, or tomorrow, whether it feels like we are so far away...i love you all. i hope that some of the things i've said here will help you, because i want to help you feel the way that i see you.

we all want to be accepted...and thats all i was trying to do. i brought half of the mormon congregation to tears because of my talk that i gave on the resurrection of jesus christ. don't worry everyone, i'm not turning mormon, i'm just protecting myself against the onslaught of mormons trying to convert me. if they think that i am already into the religion, then they will leave me alone. but it was cool that everyone was telling me how great it was...it's more of a tribute to my ability to speak than to my love for mormonism...which doesn't exist. whatever i had a nice easter anyway.

i hope that today is on my mind, tomorrow is in my eyes, and yesterday is in my heart.

 FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so I worked things out with my grandma and I'm definitely going to Ohio for spring break. Thank god. I need to get out of here. It's sort of suffocating, knowing that Mike is back in town. But if I don't think about it, I'll be okay. Now all I have to do is work things out with my dad. I need to use my blue card to fly to Ohio, so I'm going to spend one of the weekends with him. That way he won't think that I just want to use him for the free flying. I don't know how my dad could ever think that of me...I don't use people, and I definitely wouldn't use family. I love my dad, but sometime he can be a real asshole.

I get my first SAT scores tomorrow. AAAAAAAA! I hope I did well. It didn't seem that hard at the time, but now looking back on it...whatever.

What's coming will come...and we'll meet it when it does.

That's one of my favorite quotes. I don't believe in fate, and that's not what that quote is talking about. It's saying that situations happen, things happen, and a lot of the time, we can't change it. We don't know what's going to happen from day to day, so we can't avoid the innevitable. But we can deal with it when it comes. We can choose how to act when things don't seem to go our way, or they seem to get really messed up. We even have to be careful how we deal with what's coming when it's really good. I think that is when things get the most dangerous...when everything is going really well and we feel like nothing could go wrong. That's when we get complacent and rash. That's when we need to be on high alert.

I love life. I'm past all the hurt and the pain and the stupid emo-ness that was my life the past couple of years. My mom is a bitch and a psycho and there's nothing I can do about it. I've learned to deal with it...even laugh at her stupidity. I don't regret anything that I've done lately. I know that I'm on the right track. School is good. Work and track and band and choir and friends and...well church. I still don't believe in the mormon religion, but the people who go to my church aren't that bad. Especially the young people who haven't been completely sucked in by it all yet.

I'm happy, again. This used to not happen a lot...but now it seems like a growing trend.